I have heard spiritual teachers speak about how one’s outer landscape is often a reflection of one’s interior.  For the last two months, this has been true for me in more ways than I care to admit.  Just as I really committed to pursuing the pain in my lower right pelvis, my husband and I committed to fixing up our bathroom.  At a first read, this might seem simple enough.  It’s such a small room.  It will merely be an inconvenience.  We’re only going to paint.  But for anyone who has traveled down the rabbit hole of home improvement projects, you know that it often takes longer than you think; looks worse before it gets better; and often entails disruption to “normal.”  In our case, a home with only one bathroom meant coming home from church one Sunday to find the toilet in our bedroom…but I digress.

When we started the bathroom, I was pretty certain we were diving down one of the home improvement rabbit holes.  What I didn’t know is that pursuing health and healing via modern medicine is eerily similar.  From the testing, to the diagnosing, to the asking and re-asking the process is not clear or straightforward.  In some ways, I feel like this process was like peeling up the floor…just how many layers are there?  What damage has been happening unseen?  For how long?

As I prepare for surgery tomorrow, I suspect that I might indeed “look worse” before I look better.  Who really does look good in a blue gown with a morphine glaze smile?  I suspect no one.  Just like our bathroom, I expect this healing journey is one that will be messier before it’s over.  My prayer is that I can trust this process like I did with the house project.  And at the very least that I find gratitude in the toilet being back in its home.